I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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