I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My vagina is very pro this idea
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
