shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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