I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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