I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
