you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
