apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
