A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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