You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
