why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
