I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
