My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
