wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
