I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
