Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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