I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
