I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
