I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
