On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she told me i tasted like america
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
