I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
