Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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