There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize