Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
