If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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