Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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