loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
