i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
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