Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
