Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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