My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
