ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
