3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
