eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
