As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
