Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
