Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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