My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
