I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
