I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
