its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
