the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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