Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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