good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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