So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
