ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
