i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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