I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
