Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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