I wish I could punch you in the face.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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