It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
