: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
