Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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