the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
