i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
