i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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