You just made me feel so damn special
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Randomize
