girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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