forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
