Already got asked if we're dating
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
