GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
