My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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