Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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