It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
