Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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