my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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