so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
