blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
The ass gains better be worth it
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